Honestly, this is one of my biggest pet peeves. When people steal shit off the internet and yet get more recognition then people who actually work hard to be good just really pisses me the fuck off. I feel like I worked hard and spent years building skill and get no recognition.... at all. Where as someone else will get more recognition then me for (1) not even being good at art (2) tracing shit off the internet.
I'll never be the "artistic" person. No one will ever see me as the "artistic" person. This is one of the many reasons I'm not even sure if art college is good for me. I want so bad to learn more about art, to get a wonderful job where people know me, but this constant fear no one will see me as 'artistic' scares me. What if I show up to college and everyone makes fun of me?
I bring this up, because for the first time in my life, someone who I didn't know said I was a good artist. It was during tutoring, I had finished my homework and was drawing. One of the boys asked me to draw him and so I did. When I finished, I gave the paper to him. "That's really good! I was expecting to be bad, but you are.... a really amazing artist. I'm going to frame this".
And I felt amazing, just utterly orgasmic after I heard that. I was so happy and yet, I remembered, when I went back to school I'd still be that weird kid. The "not artistic at all" weird kid.
It's not a name I want for myself.
I trained for years, took countless classes, and while I receive recognition from two of my friends.... they still are more popular then me. How? I'm just... I'm a better artistic then them.
And I know it's terrible to think that, I feel terrible for thinking that. I just, I wish I was better. I wish I wasn't so jealous. I'm a horrible person, aren't I?
I just want to be special - to feel special.
But I'm not, and I realize I may never be.
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog. I think putting thought to paper - or blog in this case - can be very healing. I suspect your counselor was suggesting it, so that you can look back over what you wrote and look for cues of your personality. Things about yourself that maybe you aren't seeing from another's point of view. I feel bad that your 'brothers' had become distant - I hope that by now you and they have been able to reconnect, and if not - I hope you have been able to accept losing their friendship - sometimes you have to remember only the good times. As far as the pain you were feeling - or may still be feeling - look for a good therapist - one that is just NORMAL, and appears to be happy to help you. Now for the tough part. In reading your blog, your thoughts seem loose, detached. That may be because your not writing a novel - your just spilling your thoughts out randomly and quickly. I don't mean to judge - and it's been three years since your posted this - so perhaps things have become clearer to you. As you describe yourself, you definitely seem quirky - and that can put people off. As a norm, humans like their personal space to not be invaded. They like a bubble of 3 feet between them and others. There are exceptions - hugging your spouse, holding hands with your boyfriend, playing contact sports, etc. However - all in all - people do not like when someone they don't know is standing too close, or trying to hug them. If we know the person - even somewhat well - we STILL do not like close contact UNLESS, as mentioned, the physical (be it hug, handholding, standing near) is appropriate to the relationship.
For humans that means you must be in a relationship - marriage, dating, etc. Even children as some age will put distance between themselves and their siblings and parents. My children are grown, and though I hug them - it's a different type of hug from when they were little and wanted and needed the big bear hug. It seems odd to me that you 'want to hug because you were hugged so much growing up'. Honestly - it seems that you were sexually abused by either your mother or another women. Men who are sexual abusers, do not normally hug the one they are abusing. Women abusers do. For small children - 2 - 4 year olds - they do hug a lot, and parents urge them to do so to show love, and develop a caring attitude towards others. Once the child is approaching school age (5), the child should be understanding that hugs are to be given less often, and in appropriate situations. When kids start kindergarten it is very normal for them to still hug their playmate, or their teacher. This behavior is normal even in 1st and 2nd grade - though less often. By 3rd grade kids are hugging less, as they are relying on other ways to show affection, or kindness, or acceptance. For example, if a 3rd grade girl see's that her friend is upset over tripping in the cafeteria and spilling her food tray - she might offer to help her friend pick up the tray, and say something kind to her. She may ask her if she would like to sit at her table for lunch - but she wouldn't hug her. There comes a point that children understand that close contact is innocent while very young, and intimate when older. I would recommend that you not be so hands on with people, and save the very special act of hugging for someone that is very special to you. By allowing space between you and friends, co-workers, classmates - you are respecting their space, and recognizing that you are not in an intimate relationship with them, as you should not be. Intimate is spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend. If you are not fulfilling that role with a person - then hands off. This is the rule for everyone, so don't beat yourself up thinking you are not liked because people won't hug you. It's the moment that you start hugging too much, and standing too close that they think you're weird. By chance, was your mother an alcoholic? I feel bad for asking that - it's an assumption that there must be something wrong with you. I am sorry about that. You say that you see yourself as weird - or that other's see you as weird, and therefore you must be. I would say your behaviors are abnormal - because of how you were raised.
ReplyDeleteAre you behaving like you do because you have an agenda? Ex - do you want to only hug women or men? Do you want to hug because you are driven to do something sexual to that person? Do you want to hug them because you feel happy and loved when you get a hug? If that's the reason - then break that up into steps: you feel loved when you get a hug - or when you give a hug? If you are hugging because you want them to then WANT to hug you - that's not going to happen. People are not going to WANT to hug you just because you hugged them. They need to have something from their soul lead them that direction - and you should too. Hugs are intimate and should be delivered for the correct reason. If you want to hug because the physical touch makes you feel something - then identify what it is that you feel. You can't just randomly hug people that do not consider you significant to them, just so you can get 'that feeling'. That's unfair to them, and will creep them out. You have to allow them to develop a relationship with you over time, and IF they want to hug you, then you can be a hugger - in appropriate situations. I have life long friends - I don't hug them every time I see them - but when they are leaving to take a long trip - hug. When they had their first baby - hug. When they start crying over something stressful - hug. NO hugs other times. We don't hug and jump up like little girls over every little thing. I used the words little for a reason - because hugging randomly is what little children do to express what they don't know how to express verbally. As we grow and our vocabulary grows - we use words to express ourselves, and recognize physical touch to be an intimate act that should be saved for intimate relationships.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned receiving hugs a lot while your were young, and that is the reason you like hugs now that you are an adult. When we were children we thought like children, and did childish things, but now that we are older, we act older. So the 'weird' that people see in you is that your behavior doesn't match your age. Like me - they may think 'sexually abused'? I asked if your mother was an alcoholic - many women who drink to cover up hurt - and then feel less inhibited from the alcohol will show more emotion - hugs, kisses, telling of their emotions. If they are mothers and drink - they will hug all over their kids, and kiss them a lot, and want to snuggle a lot. They don't act on anything sexually - nor do they want to. They simply are sad. Depressed. They drink to cover it up. While drunk the alcohol makes them act 'mushy', showing all sorts of lovey-dovey emotions that they do not show while sober. The child that is around the drunk mother LEARNS to hug a lot, and say 'I love you' a lot. The child doesn't know any better - children soak up what they are shown - it shapes their personality - and they take it into their lives. It could be that your mother was an alcoholic that hugged you during her drunkenness, and this formed your personality, causing your to be a hugger. If this is the case - hey - no problem - recognize and accept why your mom did that, and now work on NOT hugging so freely. Honestly - it seems that you were sexually abused by either your mother or another women. Men who are sexual abusers, do not normally hug the one they are abusing. Women abusers do. For small children - 2 - 4 year olds - they do hug a lot, and parents urge them to do so to show love, and develop a caring attitude towards others. Once the child is approaching school age (5), the child should be understanding that hugs are to be given less often, and in appropriate situations. When kids start kindergarten it is very normal for them to still hug their playmate, or their teacher. This behavior is normal even in 1st and 2nd grade - though less often. By 3rd grade kids are hugging less, as they are relying on other ways to show affection, or kindness, or acceptance. For example, if a 3rd grade girl see's that her friend is upset over tripping in the cafeteria and spilling her food tray - she might offer to help her friend pick up the tray, and say something kind to her. She may ask her if she would like to sit at her table for lunch - but she wouldn't hug her.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a point that children understand that close contact is innocent while very young, and intimate when older. I would recommend that you not be so hands on with people, and save the very special act of hugging for someone that is very special to you. By allowing space between you and friends, co-workers, classmates - you are respecting their space, and recognizing that you are not in an intimate relationship with them, as you should not be. Intimate is spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend. If you are not fulfilling that role with a person - then hands off. This is the rule for everyone, so don't beat yourself up thinking you are not liked because people won't hug you. It's the moment that you start hugging too much, and standing too close that they think you're weird. By chance, was your mother an alcoholic? I feel bad for asking that - it's an assumption that there must be something wrong with you. I am sorry about that. You say that you see yourself as weird - or that other's see you as weird, and therefore you must be. I would say your behaviors are abnormal - because of how you were raised. Are you behaving like you do because you have an agenda? Ex - do you want to only hug women or men? Do you want to hug because you are driven to do something sexual to that person? Do you want to hug them because you feel happy and loved when you get a hug? If that's the reason - then break that up into steps: you feel loved when you get a hug - or when you give a hug? If you are hugging because you want them to then WANT to hug you - that's not going to happen.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned receiving hugs a lot while your were young, and that is the reason you like hugs now that you are an adult. When we were children we thought like children, and did childish things, but now that we are older, we act older. So the 'weird' that people see in you is that your behavior doesn't match your age. Like me - they may think 'sexually abused'? I asked if your mother was an alcoholic - many women who drink to cover up hurt - and then feel less inhibited from the alcohol will show more emotion - hugs, kisses, telling of their emotions. If they are mothers and drink - they will hug all over their kids, and kiss them a lot, and want to snuggle a lot. They don't act on anything sexually - nor do they want to. They simply are sad. Depressed. They drink to cover it up. While drunk the alcohol makes them act 'mushy', showing all sorts of lovey-dovey emotions that they do not show while sober. The child that is around the drunk mother LEARNS to hug a lot, and say 'I love you' a lot. The child doesn't know any better - children soak up what they are shown - it shapes their personality - and they take it into their lives. It could be that your mother was an alcoholic that hugged you during her drunkenness, and this formed your personality, causing your to be a hugger. If this is the case - hey - no problem - recognize and accept why your mom did that, and now work on NOT hugging so freely. Honestly - it seems that you were sexually abused by either your mother or another women. Men who are sexual abusers, do not normally hug the one they are abusing. Women abusers do. For small children - 2 - 4 year olds - they do hug a lot, and parents urge them to do so to show love, and develop a caring attitude towards others. Once the child is approaching school age (5), the child should be understanding that hugs are to be given less often, and in appropriate situations. When kids start kindergarten it is very normal for them to still hug their playmate, or their teacher. This behavior is normal even in 1st and 2nd grade - though less often. By 3rd grade kids are hugging less, as they are relying on other ways to show affection, or kindness, or acceptance. For example, if a 3rd grade girl see's that her friend is upset over tripping in the cafeteria and spilling her food tray - she might offer to help her friend pick up the tray, and say something kind to her. She may ask her if she would like to sit at her table for lunch - but she wouldn't hug her. There comes a point that children understand that close contact is innocent while very young, and intimate when older. I would recommend that you not be so hands on with people, and save the very special act of hugging for someone that is very special to you. By allowing space between you and friends, co-workers, classmates - you are respecting their space, and recognizing that you are not in an intimate relationship with them, as you should not be. Intimate is spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend. If you are not fulfilling that role with a person - then hands off.
ReplyDeleteThis is the rule for everyone, so don't beat yourself up thinking you are not liked because people won't hug you. It's the moment that you start hugging too much, and standing too close that they think you're weird. By chance, was your mother an alcoholic? I feel bad for asking that - it's an assumption that there must be something wrong with you. I am sorry about that. You say that you see yourself as weird - or that other's see you as weird, and therefore you must be. I would say your behaviors are abnormal - because of how you were raised. Are you behaving like you do because you have an agenda? Ex - do you want to only hug women or men? Do you want to hug because you are driven to do something sexual to that person? Do you want to hug them because you feel happy and loved when you get a hug? If that's the reason - then break that up into steps: you feel loved when you get a hug - or when you give a hug? If you are hugging because you want them to then WANT to hug you - that's not going to happen. People are not going to WANT to hug you just because you hugged them. They need to have something from their soul lead them that direction - and you should too. Hugs are intimate and should be delivered for the correct reason. If you want to hug because the physical touch makes you feel something - then identify what it is that you feel. You can't just randomly hug people that do not consider you significant to them, just so you can get 'that feeling'. That's unfair to them, and will creep them out. You have to allow them to develop a relationship with you over time, and IF they want to hug you, then you can be a hugger - in appropriate situations. I have life long friends - I don't hug them every time I see them - but when they are leaving to take a long trip - hug. When they had their first baby - hug. When they start crying over something stressful - hug. NO hugs other times. We don't hug and jump up like little girls over every little thing. I used the words little for a reason - because hugging randomly is what little children do to express what they don't know how to express verbally. As we grow and our vocabulary grows - we use words to express ourselves, and recognize physical touch to be an intimate act that should be saved for intimate relationships. You mentioned receiving hugs a lot while your were young, and that is the reason you like hugs now that you are an adult. When we were children we thought like children, and did childish things, but now that we are older, we act older. So the 'weird' that people see in you is that your behavior doesn't match your age. Like me - they may think 'sexually abused'? I asked if your mother was an alcoholic - many women who drink to cover up hurt - and then feel less inhibited from the alcohol will show more emotion - hugs, kisses, telling of their emotions. If they are mothers and drink - they will hug all over their kids, and kiss them a lot, and want to snuggle a lot. They don't act on anything sexually - nor do they want to. They simply are sad.
ReplyDeleteDepressed. They drink to cover it up. While drunk the alcohol makes them act 'mushy', showing all sorts of lovey-dovey emotions that they do not show while sober. The child that is around the drunk mother LEARNS to hug a lot, and say 'I love you' a lot. The child doesn't know any better - children soak up what they are shown - it shapes their personality - and they take it into their lives. It could be that your mother was an alcoholic that hugged you during her drunkenness, and this formed your personality, causing your to be a hugger. If this is the case - hey - no problem - recognize and accept why your mom did that, and now work on NOT hugging so freely. If the hugs from your mom - or whoever - while your were a child - happened because your were being abused - got get counseling, and DO NOT beat yourself up. Many, many people are victims of sexual abuse as a child. They live wonderful lives, and NO - they do not abuse their children or other children. If you were abused - it may be best to have no further contact with the person who abused you. You can confront them with another person present if you feel that it will help to speak to them. That person hurt you, and has shaped your life - but they don't own YOUR LIFE. Do not let them continue to have a negative effect on you. You seem like a kind person, with a love of life and a yearning to just be in the world and enjoy life's journey - so do that. Truly look at your 'weird' behavior - figure our why you act that way. Observe others - just sit back and watch the common thread among people - whether at college, or in a store - whatever. Now compare yourself to them - take these comparisions to your therapist. Don't hide yourself in your house - go live. You can have your own flare - your own look - your own style - but try to conform in some way so you fit in. We live in a world that tells you that you can be as different as you want - that you don't need to fit the mold - that you march to your own drum. While all of that sounds nice - it's also BS to some degree. There is nothing wrong with being part of a group - a team. Sports teams wear uniforms to look - uniform. Different recording artist come together to collaborate on one song - to blend their styles into one. High schools and university graduates wear matching gowns at their graduation ceremony for a reason. Families wear matching shirts for family photos. It doesn't hurt to conform for Pete's sake. Conforming and uniformity creates bonds - which is what it seems your looking for.
ReplyDeleteFind some common ground with some group or club whose core interest or values are what you value. If you like music - join some type of organization that promotes music events on campus, or mentors band/choir students in high school, etc. You don't have to like a specific type of music - don't judge too quick - just get in there, and give others a chance. They may welcome your style - may even share your same likes - but they may never open up to you to share their personality if you come off as weird. People like security - something solid - safety. When you show 'weird' they think UNSAFE. So look safe. Conform. You can let your weird out little by little once other's see that you can offer them, and want to accept from them. a common thread - whether it's music, writing, movies, sports, roller-coaster addiction - whatever.
ReplyDeleteThe point is Rachel - why are you weird? Why do you think you are? Why do other's think you are? Figure out why - like really figure out why - don't lie to yourself. Don't do the blame thing - saying that it's everyone else - they all hate you - that they are all robots and don't think for themselves. That's a cop out that too many people use to justify themselves not getting help or not willing to see themselves, which is ironic - because they think the 'normal' people are fake and not willing to step out of their comfort zones to be themselves. Guess what - we are being ourselves. Some of us are just plain, bland, basic - but happy. Some of us are rebels, and on the edge - but we don't look it to the outsider - to the outsider we look normal. If you take anything from this rant - understand that normal is the look of SAFETY, KINDNESS, APPROACHABLE, TRUSTWORTHY. If you look manic (as in bipolar, or other mental illness) - people will not want to be around you. I have a niece who is bipolar - manic. I love her to death. She's a light in this world - so much to offer. When she is on meds and acting 'normal', people love to be around her. When she is off meds and acting 'abnormal' no ones can handle it - and it's not because there is something wrong with them - there's something wrong with her. It's ok to call a duck a duck. When my niece is manic - she is unsafe to be around - she even becomes unsafe to herself. I get frustrated when people with mental illnesses make it out like everyone who IS NOT mentally ill is so mean and wrong because they don't want to be around the mentally unstable. Hmm - think about it - mentally UNstable means - NOT trustworthy - NOT safe. If you had a daughter - would you want her to hang out with someone who is NOT safe. You love your daughter - you want to have her alive and happy for a long time so you can spend time with her - you are taking chances if you let her hang out with someone that can hurt her or teach her to get in situations that can hurt her. Basically Rachel - what would you want your daughter to be like - then immulate that while still maintaining your special quirkiness - so long as your quirkiness is safe. Finally - Rachel - girl - you cannot say your are not special. Be special to YOU. Your not a horrible person - you have issues - we all do. That's truth. If you think for others, when will you be open to believing you can be special to them. Allow other people to say that they don't or do find you special. They have opinions, and so do you. If they don't see you as special - hey - move on to the next person. When you get to the person who does think your special - stop. You have arrived. Do not be stagnate and sad for too long while going thru your day to day life waiting to feel special. Assume you are special to many people - and then let your relationships with others grow - when you start to feel down on your self - don't hide - seek other's out - act normal and ask them about going to a movie, or whatever. If they say no - don't beat yourself up. Be honest with yourself - why did they say no? Could have been for a normal reason. Maybe they were having a crap day. If it's because they are just mean - then don't hold a grudge - just move past them - on to the next person. You will eventually run into the person who like's your 'weirdness' - just be safe and make sure they are safe for you. My husband used to say 'find the person who likes your crazy, but doesn't drive your crazy'.
ReplyDelete